Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Accidental Outing- I'm a bit of a mess.

Wow, where to even begin.  So, I accepted an event on facebook.... 'A Proverbial View of Coming Out'.  I had planned on going but something came up last minute and I was not able to attend.  However, the update on Facebook remained.  'Matt is attending the event.....'.  I have a sister who recently joined Facebook.  As a typical Facebook newbie she spends time looking at each individuals page, etc.  Well, she stumbled upon that comment on my page.

Fast Forward to yesterday at 3:30 pm.  I get this email from my sister.

Hello Matt Kim,

So I saw this on facebook . . . . . . . .. . . . .

Matt Smith is attending A Proverbial View of Coming Out.

Would like more info.



I instantly went into panic mode.  I immediately left work went home from work.  At the same time she sent me an email asking me if we could make arrangements for her to pick up some stuff from my place.  I had been writing back/forth with her on that email, but hadn't replied to her initial email.  Finally she wrote:

...  But honestly Matt, you're killing me here are you going to respond to my email?  You're not going to make me wait clear till tomorrow are you?  That would be cruel!  ...  End my agonizing waiting, please!

With overwhelming anxiety i responded:

: )  I'm not trying to torture you.  I am working on the response, was caught off guard by the email and don't want to lie,  but wanted to reply sensitively so it was taking a bit to compose a response.  The honest answer is that I'm gay..... and was thinking about attending that event because I'm thinking about 'coming out' or telling people and wanted to connect with some other people in similar situations. Anyway, I didn't go.  so there it is. wow, I wondered if i would ever get the courage to say something to someone in the family. It's almost unbearable to think about loosing you all as a result of saying something.   I"m still going to write more in the other email.  I hope this doesn't shatter what you think of me....  one of my biggest fears is loosing/disappointing my family.  It's caused me lot's of stress/anxiety/depression over the last at least 15 years of my life.  I take anti-depressents/ several anti-anxiety medicines and need meds(ambien) to help me sleep at night because of it.  It's not healthy and I can't go on like this indefinitely.  I can't live another 40 years on this same path.  Ugh!  Anyway......

To which she responded: 

Oh, Matt,

I'm sorry for all the stress you've been dealing with.  You're my brother Matt no matter what.  Just because we don't have all of the same beliefs doesn't mean we can't still be family/friends.  You'd be surprised how well all of us but Mom could handle it.  Honestly, I'm not surprised and have wondered for a while, but if you weren't it might have been an insult to ask.  (Your Brother) knows about the facebook and is waiting to hear what I find out.  We've already been through all of this with (My husbands brother).  I wondered if it would be a relief to get it off your chest, that's why I asked.  Besides my intense curiosity - you know I never could wait for secrets/surprises like when we had to open all of our presents at Christmas. :)  Hopefully you can start sleeping better at night now.  Does anyone else know?  I imagine the xxxxxx's know, right?  Anyway, can I forward this to (My Brother)?  He is okay with it, but just wanting to know.  Of course we love you.  Hope you don't mind if we're not open with the kids about it, though.

Love, no matter what,


After that I shortly got a call from my brother(above).  He went on to tell me he loved me no matter what and that he felt awful that I had to carry this for so long.   He also asked how he could help and what he could do to help me tell my parents.  I was too stressed out about the parent thing so said let's talk about tomorrow (today).

Next I got a call from my sister who started the email chain.  Same story.  She loves me.  Sure there are some differences in beliefs and views but we are still family.

Next my next sister calls.  Same story.  Nothing but love and compasion.

Several hours later, my youngest brother called and told me he loves me and that it didn't matter and that he had kind of assumed.

So, I talked to all my brothers and sisters yesterday.  And they aren't abandoning me.  They still love me.  I'm sitting here crying as I type this.  It is such a weight off my shoulder to know they are not going to abandon me over this.

So my brother called this afternoon about what to do with my parents.  He wants them to know as soon as possible so I can get the weight of the situation off my shoulders.  I started crying at work and pretty much lost it.  It still stresses me out about my parents.  Finally, we agreed that my brother would call my Dad and discuss it with him.  My dad then called me and is coming over to my place after work.  I could barely talk to him on the phone I was so emotional.  I still don't know what is going to be done with my mom.  she is very fragile emotionally and I've been carrying the burden of this for so long.  My brother said I shouldn't carry this burden any more. 

So, I'm feeling super anxious about this conversation I'm going to have with my dad at five.  I've been crying for like the last hour and I'm normally not a crier.  With the exception of my Grandma's funeral, it's been at least 4-5 years since I've cried like this.

I feel so happy and relieved that things have been so positive.  I'm sure there are some bumpy roads ahead.  I don't know.  I'm just glad it's out.....  I wondered if I'd ever see the day.

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

Who would have known that a talk on coming out would have the un-inteded result of helping someone come out.

Here's to a brighter future.  -Matt!!


  1. WOW! Hope it goes well. I have not told my family yet, so I can totally relate to your anxiety. Let us know how it goes. I'm praying for ya...

  2. Yea for accidentally coming out! In my own life, I've found that, in general, people's responses have been far more positive than I anticipated. I'm glad your family seems to be taking it well. Hope your parents handle it equally as well.

  3. Yea for accidentally coming out! In my own life, I've found that, in general, people's responses have been far more positive than I anticipated. I'm glad your family seems to be taking it well. Hope your parents handle it equally as well.

  4. Geesh, talk about a waterfall. It's good though that you have a family that loves ya no matter what. :-)

  5. Matt, I am so happy for you that your siblings have accepted you! What a blessing and relief that must be for you! Now, I wish you the very best as you talk with your parents. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Big hug!

  6. P.S.: Please feel free to email me anytime.

  7. Hope things went well with the parents (even if you all have to start by baby-steps). Most of the time things are not as bad as we picture them out to be, still what a relief to have this off your shoulders.