Thursday, August 11, 2011

Accidental Outing- My Dad

First I want to say thanks to all those who left kind comments and words of encouragement.  I really appreciate the support.  

So I had the big day with my siblings and coming out.  It was emotionally draining.   Wow, it really did take a toll on me.  I felt numb for most the morning at work the next day.

My brother called the afternoon after it all went down to discuss my parents.  We talked about all the options.  Honestly, I was too emotional to really deal with the conversation but agreed with what he was saying.  It's time to get this completely out in the open.   My parents need to know.  We discussed what the best way to do it.  I shared with him some concerns my sister and younger brother shared in regards to my mom and her fragile emotional health.

He asked If it would be OK for him to tell my Dad.  I had really wanted to tell him myself,  but know it could be an indefinite amount of time before it happened.  So I said yes, you can call and tell dad.  So we hung up.  Of course I'm crying at this point, I'm at work, and my office has a glass wall so anyone who walks by could see my ugly cry face as coined by Oprah.  About two minutes later I get a call from my dad.  The first things that came out of his mouth was that he loves me and wanted to know if he could come over to my place and talk after work.  I of course said yes.

Being the mess I was, I told my boss I was having some family problems and asked if it was ok if I took off.  He said yes, and I went home and took a nap.  Am I the only one who needs a good nap before something stressful?  So, anyway, shortly after five my dad shows up at my apartment.  I invite him in and he gives me a big hug.

We sat down on the couch and he expressed his love.  He then went on to relate to me that while I was on my mission he woke up early one morning with a premonition that 'Matthew is Gay'.  He said that since that day he had suspected that I was gay.  He then went on to explain that his feelings for the church and testimony would not change over this.  I told him that I didn't expect him to change.  I expressed that I hoped we could continue to be a family and have respect for the different positions we are in.  He told me that he and my brothers and sisters loved me and that they would always be my family.

I talked about the state of my mental affairs, which hasn't been good, but will likely get better once this is all over.  My dad asked me what my plans for the future were in regards to this.  I told him I couldn't imagine being alone the rest of my life and was going to take things slow. 

We then talked about my mom.  Oh my mom.  She's a bit fragile.  She is about as straight-arrow Mormon as they come.  And she worries, I'm sure she's where I've picked up much of my anxious ways.  To give you an idea of how much she worries, my sister once had a friend who's husband left her and her 4 kids for another women.  My mom had never met this girl, just heard the story from my sister.   My mom didn't sleep for almost two weeks she was soo upset about it.  I think she could use some medication.  But, she would never get any.  It's not her way.

So, my dad asked what we should do in regards to her.  I said I didn't know.  She's the primary reason I haven't come out all these years.  We talked over a few options and decided that he would sleep on it and get back to me today.

My dad called first thing this morning to see how I was doing.  I thought that was very nice.  He said he was still pondering the mom situation but would get back to me later.  He called after work and told me he was going to tell her tomorrow morning.  I asked him if he wanted me to be there.  He said no, he thought it would be best for him to give the news and deal with the initial reaction.  I'm sure there will be tears....  lot's of them.  but it needs to happen.  We can not keep this from her.

So, I'm feeling super anxious again tonight.  Hoping that it goes ok tomorrow.  Anxious about the first time I see my mom and what she will say/ how she will react.  I'm so glad this is finally happening, but the process weighs very heavily on the soul.  It's like I've just gotten on a super scary roller coaster, and it's starting the initial climb and I want to get off but I can't and next thing I know I have the pressure of the ride pushing against my chest as I make the initial decent.  Then it starts again, the climb, the building of the anxiety, and the pressure pushing on me as I make my next decent.  but soon the ride will be over.  Just need to wait and pray the coaster doesn't go off the tracks......

Again, thanks for letting me express my thoughts here and taking the time to read.  Love to all.  -Matt

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