I had planned on going to sleep early tonight. 1 1/2 hrs later, I'm still lying here wide awake so I figured I'd give this blogging thing an official try. : )
So, as a little background, I am the oldest of five kids. Today, my youngest brother has become engaged to be married and will be married in June. Although I am very happy for him, weddings are times of anxiety for me. You see, I am not out to my family, am not 'temple' worthy, and hate the uncomfortableness that these future events will bring as my very mormon family gather for the event.
The whole dynamic around me with my family and the church is interesting. My mom occasionally will make a comment about me finding my ward, or if my home teachers have come by, etc. I usually quickly say no, and then move on from the conversation. My dad does not ask. My siblings also don't ask about me and the church. They all know I'm not active, but no one says anything, and I don't proclaim anything. I'm sure I'm the person who feels the most dis-comfort from it all, but I hope that will all change soon.
My 35th year of life is ending shortly and I will soon be 36. The number seems so big. I think back to when I was young and remembering my parents around this age and I always felt them to be so old. I however, still feel like a confused teenager, unsure of my future, what life will bring, and when I will have the courage to shape it into what I won't it to be.
I've wanted to come out to my family for at least five years now. I need to move forward with this. I have told most of my close friends with only positive results. They all love me still the same. Why do I fear the reaction of my family so much? Why does it matter so much what they think? How will they react? Will I destroy my parents? Will my siblings keep their kids away from their uncle Matt? I told my self when I turned 35, that it was possible that I had lived 1/2 my life. I don't want to spend the second half of my life as it is now. Quietly keeping this detail of my life away from my family. I want to be free from this burden and move to greener pastures.
I have a month plus a week or so before my 36th birthday. I need help in gaining the courage to do this I feel like such a chicken. I feel like I should announce this face-to-face, but it's been five years or so since I've decided I need to come out and look how far that has gotten me. How do you all feel about me sending a letter? So cold, so impersonal. I would obviously have to follow it up with conversation. However, the words would be communicated and the discussions and whatever aftermath that will be, will follow.
I really hope to gain some insight and hopefully make a few friends along the away as I begin posting. Many of your write so well, with thoughts concisely organized, and points beautifully expressed.