Accidental Outing- I'm a bit of a mess.

Wow, where to even begin.  So, I accepted an event on facebook.... 'A Proverbial View of Coming Out'.  I had planned on going but something came up last minute and I was not able to attend.  However, the update on Facebook remained.  'Matt is attending the event.....'.  I have a sister who recently joined Facebook.  As a typical Facebook newbie she spends time looking at each individuals page, etc.  Well, she stumbled upon that comment on my page.

Fast Forward to yesterday at 3:30 pm.  I get this email from my sister.

Hello Matt Kim,

So I saw this on facebook . . . . . . . .. . . . .

Matt Smith is attending A Proverbial View of Coming Out.

Would like more info.

Love,


xxxxxx


I instantly went into panic mode.  I immediately left work went home from work.  At the same time she sent me an email asking me if we could make arrangements for her to pick up some stuff from my place.  I had been writing back/forth with her on that email, but hadn't replied to her initial email.  Finally she wrote:

...  But honestly Matt, you're killing me here are you going to respond to my email?  You're not going to make me wait clear till tomorrow are you?  That would be cruel!  ...  End my agonizing waiting, please!

With overwhelming anxiety i responded:

: )  I'm not trying to torture you.  I am working on the response, was caught off guard by the email and don't want to lie,  but wanted to reply sensitively so it was taking a bit to compose a response.  The honest answer is that I'm gay..... and was thinking about attending that event because I'm thinking about 'coming out' or telling people and wanted to connect with some other people in similar situations. Anyway, I didn't go.  so there it is. wow, I wondered if i would ever get the courage to say something to someone in the family. It's almost unbearable to think about loosing you all as a result of saying something.   I"m still going to write more in the other email.  I hope this doesn't shatter what you think of me....  one of my biggest fears is loosing/disappointing my family.  It's caused me lot's of stress/anxiety/depression over the last at least 15 years of my life.  I take anti-depressents/ several anti-anxiety medicines and need meds(ambien) to help me sleep at night because of it.  It's not healthy and I can't go on like this indefinitely.  I can't live another 40 years on this same path.  Ugh!  Anyway......


To which she responded: 

Oh, Matt,

I'm sorry for all the stress you've been dealing with.  You're my brother Matt no matter what.  Just because we don't have all of the same beliefs doesn't mean we can't still be family/friends.  You'd be surprised how well all of us but Mom could handle it.  Honestly, I'm not surprised and have wondered for a while, but if you weren't it might have been an insult to ask.  (Your Brother) knows about the facebook and is waiting to hear what I find out.  We've already been through all of this with (My husbands brother).  I wondered if it would be a relief to get it off your chest, that's why I asked.  Besides my intense curiosity - you know I never could wait for secrets/surprises like when we had to open all of our presents at Christmas. :)  Hopefully you can start sleeping better at night now.  Does anyone else know?  I imagine the xxxxxx's know, right?  Anyway, can I forward this to (My Brother)?  He is okay with it, but just wanting to know.  Of course we love you.  Hope you don't mind if we're not open with the kids about it, though.

Love, no matter what,

xxxxxxxx

After that I shortly got a call from my brother(above).  He went on to tell me he loved me no matter what and that he felt awful that I had to carry this for so long.   He also asked how he could help and what he could do to help me tell my parents.  I was too stressed out about the parent thing so said let's talk about tomorrow (today).

Next I got a call from my sister who started the email chain.  Same story.  She loves me.  Sure there are some differences in beliefs and views but we are still family.

Next my next sister calls.  Same story.  Nothing but love and compasion.

Several hours later, my youngest brother called and told me he loves me and that it didn't matter and that he had kind of assumed.

So, I talked to all my brothers and sisters yesterday.  And they aren't abandoning me.  They still love me.  I'm sitting here crying as I type this.  It is such a weight off my shoulder to know they are not going to abandon me over this.

So my brother called this afternoon about what to do with my parents.  He wants them to know as soon as possible so I can get the weight of the situation off my shoulders.  I started crying at work and pretty much lost it.  It still stresses me out about my parents.  Finally, we agreed that my brother would call my Dad and discuss it with him.  My dad then called me and is coming over to my place after work.  I could barely talk to him on the phone I was so emotional.  I still don't know what is going to be done with my mom.  she is very fragile emotionally and I've been carrying the burden of this for so long.  My brother said I shouldn't carry this burden any more. 

So, I'm feeling super anxious about this conversation I'm going to have with my dad at five.  I've been crying for like the last hour and I'm normally not a crier.  With the exception of my Grandma's funeral, it's been at least 4-5 years since I've cried like this.

I feel so happy and relieved that things have been so positive.  I'm sure there are some bumpy roads ahead.  I don't know.  I'm just glad it's out.....  I wondered if I'd ever see the day.

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

Who would have known that a talk on coming out would have the un-inteded result of helping someone come out.

Here's to a brighter future.  -Matt!!

It's Just, a Little Crush...

I'm taking a science class this semester.  I've been thinking about a career change and have been taking pre-requisite classes for nursing.  I sometimes wonder why I inflict the pain that is school on myself when I already have an education, a good job, and promising career.

Back on topic, I have this big crush on my lab partner.  He's tall, dark, handsome, bright, a little soft spoken, and seems genuinely kind.  And, he's married with kids.  I know that marriage and kids doesn't mean anything about a persons sexual attractions.  However, it is a pretty good indicator.

The bigger problem is that if there wasn't a ring, wife, family, the situation wouldn't be much different for me.  I don't exactly have gaydar.  And it's not exactly wise or even safe to start flirting with some guy in class that you've developed a bit of a crush on.

So, if anyone has encountered this problem before, and have some break through advice on how to gage the sexuality of a person, I'd love to hear.... for the next time I develop an innocent crush and want to test the waters.

-Matt

Wow- First Post

I had planned on going to sleep early tonight.   1 1/2 hrs later, I'm still lying here wide awake so I figured I'd give this blogging thing an official try. : )

So, as a little background, I am the oldest of five kids.  Today, my youngest brother has become engaged to be married and will be married in June.  Although I am very happy for him, weddings are times of anxiety for me.  You see, I am not out to my family, am not 'temple' worthy, and hate the uncomfortableness that these future events will bring as my very mormon family gather for the event.

The whole dynamic around me with my family and the church is interesting.  My mom occasionally will make a comment about me finding my ward, or if my home teachers have come by, etc.  I usually quickly say no, and then move on from the conversation.  My dad does not ask.  My siblings also don't ask about me and the church.  They all know I'm not active, but no one says anything, and I don't proclaim anything.  I'm sure I'm the person who feels the most dis-comfort from it all, but I hope that will all change soon.

My 35th year of life is ending shortly and I will soon be 36.  The number seems so big.  I think  back to when I was young and remembering my parents around this age and I always felt them to be so old.  I however, still feel like a confused teenager, unsure of my future, what life will bring, and when I will have the courage to shape it into what I won't it to be.

I've wanted to come out to my family for at least five years now.  I need to move forward with this. I have told most of my close friends with only positive results.  They all love me still the same.  Why do I fear the reaction of my family so much?  Why does it matter so much what they think?  How will they react?  Will I destroy my parents? Will my siblings keep their kids away from their uncle Matt?  I told my self when I turned 35, that it was possible that I had lived 1/2 my life.  I don't want to spend the second half of my life as it is now.  Quietly keeping this detail of my life away from my family.  I want to be free from this burden and move to greener pastures. 

I have a month plus a week or so before my 36th birthday.  I need help in gaining the courage to do this  I feel like such a chicken.  I feel like I should announce this face-to-face, but it's been five years or so since I've decided I need to come out and look how far that has gotten me.  How do you all feel about me sending a letter?  So cold, so impersonal.  I would obviously have to follow it up with conversation.  However, the words would be communicated and the discussions and whatever aftermath that will be, will follow. 

I really hope to gain some insight and hopefully make a few friends along the away as I begin posting.  Many of your write so well, with thoughts concisely organized, and points beautifully expressed. 

Sleep Tight
-Matt